Baby Blues
by Cracked Neck Glory
Summary: Harry and Hermione are married...with a baby, Ron, and Malfoy. Read about their adventures in married life. More chapters
1. Meet The Pottersor The Bra Fiasco

Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter or any characters (duh)  
  
Baby Blues  
  
All was peaceful at the Potter household on the sunny Sunday morning. Harry was calmly drinking his morning coffee, in which he found several long, frizzy brown hairs as well as large balls of mucus. Hermione was in their bedroom with a cigarette dangling from her long, red-painted nail fingers as she snorted her morning line. Draco was clomping around in his blue dress, frilly apron, and red stilettos shrieking that he couldn't find his bra. And in the living room, "Uncle" Ron ran about screaming since he had lit his handlebar moustache on fire with his corny, 17Th century styled pipe, which he insisted upon using although it was broken. Harry jr. was now sending flames flying across the room using his mother's wand.  
In other words, all was normal and boring as ever on this fine morning.  
But not all was peaceful for Nanny Draco, who was very irritated from lack of chest support. He stomped up the stone stairs and towards the master bedroom where a stoned Hermione had passed out on the bed. He stopped in front of the door and attempted to kick it open. There was a loud cracking noise when his foot connected with the wood door and woke Hermione up. The cracking, however, was not the door. It was his foot. He let out a feminine scream of pain and settled for turning the knob and hopping in with his uninjured foot. Then he turned to Hermione.  
"You stole it, didn't you? You bitch!" he cried at her.  
"What?" Hermione asked. The effects of the cocaine had yet to wear off.  
"My bra! My pink, lacy bra with Draco Malfoy sewn on the strap. It cost me a whole Galleon for the embroidery alone!"  
"I have no clue what you're talking about," she coolly replied while putting on a pink, lacy bra with Draco Malfoy sewn on the strap. Draco stared at it with disbelieve.  
"That's it! That's my bra, you lying stinky head!" he yelled.  
"Is not!"  
"Is too!"  
"Is not!"  
"Is too!"  
"MEANIE!"  
"STINKY HEAD!"  
"HAAARRYYYYY!"  
Harry walked into the room rubbing his temples and groaned, "Yes?"  
"Draco called me a stinky head!" Hermione wailed while doing up the bra.  
"You called me a meanie! And you stole my bra! You're still a stinky head!" Draco wailed back.  
"Do you two need a quiet time?" Harry questioned threateningly. Draco's face assumed a look of intense horror. Hermione tried doing a sex kitten impersonation. Harry grabbed Hermione's ass and sent Draco to the corner.  
"She's still wearing my bra!" he wailed from the corner. As if on queue, Harry jr. ran into the room, ripped the bloody bra off, and threw it at Draco along with several large rats. Harry looked at her chest for a moment and then left the room. She was left holding the giggling child who, in the sprit of impersonating his father, began trying to slap her ass.  
"RON!" she bellowed.  
Ron ran up the stairs with his moustache, and now hair, still alight. He stopped before Hermione and asked what she needed quite calmly considering his skin was beginning to sear.  
"Take the fucking baby! I need to do my fucking hair! NOW!" she yelled. He took the baby and promptly began screaming again as he rolled down the stairs. She picked up a bottle of Sleakeazy's Hair Potion and took a gulp of it. There was a loud explosion as her hair burst from her head, leaving her bald. She then flipped a straight, black, Cher-styled wig and passed out. Ron's hair had been put out by rolling down the stairs. However, he hit his head on a wall at the bottom and was knocked out. Harry jr. giggled and began painting the walls with Ron's blood. Draco was still upstairs screaming that Hermione was a stinky head. Harry was bashing his head on the walls chanting, "Must-kill-self-NOW!" and still massaging his temples.  
What a nice normal day in the Potter household. 


	2. In Which Harry jr Goes Missing

Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter or anything about it. That does not mean I'm sitting here laughing out "Mwahahaha!! IT IS ALL MIIINE!!!" god dammit. I MEAN WHAT I FUCKING WRITE! (silent sniggering here)  
  
In Which Harry jr. Goes Missing  
  
"HE'S GOOONE!!"  
Draco came running up from his basement bedroom still dressed in his very floral nightgown and fuzzy pink slippers shrieking as he came. He woke to find that Harry had escaped from the deep, dirty, barbed wire surrounded hole in which he slept. Draco preferred to call it "Harry's crib". But hole or crib, Harry had escaped from it.  
Everyone ran to meet the woman's, er, man's urgent cries. Ron stumbled down the stairs in his old maroon, paisley pyjamas that were now so small that they were booty shorts and a crop top. Harry senior and Hermione came down the stairs wearing absolutely nothing. As soon as they got to the bottom, Hermione straddled Harry and began bouncing on his erect penis. This was making Ron and Draco extremely uncomfortable.  
"Well, er, anyways," Draco muttered looking at the bouncing nudes. "Harry has gone missing! Bum, bum bummm!"  
Ron looked at Draco and then stared pointedly at Harry on the floor. They didn't notice. They were too, uh, busy.  
"Harry jr.," Draco added. Ron began hyperventilating and twiddling his singed moustache. Harry and Hermione finally got up and put clothes on. The other two heard a lot of thumping coming from the upstairs as they got dressed. When they came down about the stairs, Draco squinted at Hermione's shoulder and shrieked, "Is that my bra?!"  
"There's no time for that!" Harry said as Hermione quickly covered the bra strap. "We have to find Harry! Split up and search!" At that, he walked into the TV room and turned on the Playboy channel. Hermione went to search her drug cabinet and was found wandering though the basement laughing hysterically about the spiders on the walls. Ron began ripping up the carpet to search underneath. When he was securing it, he some how stapled the staple gun to his head and was now bashing his skull against the wall in an attempt to dislodge it, but was just driving more staples to his brain. Draco had gotten himself stuck in Harry's crib while checking if he had burrowed out though the dirt. Just then, a yell came from the upstairs.  
"I FOUND HIM!" Harry yelled.  
They all ran towards his voice, except Draco, who had to dig his way to the upstairs. They saw Harry staring the screen. Everyone gasped. There, on the Playboy channel, was Harry. He was sandwiched between two playmates who were imitating very sexual acts with him. The expression on his face showed that he was thoroughly enjoying this. Draco screamed and a large, wet stain spread through his dress. Ron and Harry simply stared at the playmates in wonder. Hermione was still giggling about the spiders.  
"We have to go save him!" screamed Draco. Harry nodded absently, still staring at the porn stars. "To the car!" He screamed again.  
"What's a car?" asked Ron.  
  
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They finally arrived at the Playboy station each on a wooden unicycle. They couldn't find their car, or they just didn't have one to begin with. They ran about the station asking for Harry, but no one recognised his name. It was Hermione, who was still loaded, that found him. She wandered up to one of the cameramen and giggled, "Ahve you seen Ahwe?"  
"Oh, his dressing room is just out that door," he said pointing to a heavily chained and barred door hidden in the shadows to the left. She gathered the others and they went through the door in to a castle like corridor. They walked down this way until they came to a pink and purple door with AHWE written on the door. They had obviously asked him his name. Harry didn't have brilliant pronunciation. They pushed the door open to see Harry jr. wearing a pink feather boa and smearing lipstick and all other accessible make-up on his face. Draco gave a squeal of delight and began carefully applying a gaudy, orange-red colour lipstick on his mouth. Harry grabbed them both by the ears and began to pull them out. Ron grabbed Harry by the ears and told him to stop mistreating his baby while pointing at Draco. Hermione in turn yanked Ron's ear and told him she would pay $50 for him to steal Draco's bra for her. So, as a pain ridden, ear grabbing train, they rode their unicycles home.  
  
A/N: Mwahahaha! I feel like a complete moron writing crap like this. Review. As in NOW! 


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